Childhood Body Secret: Pinworms

•July 19, 2007 • 5 Comments

pinworms

so i never got the dreaded lice.  i’m sure everyone can remember elementary school days where the school nurse used wooden picks to examine the heads of the children in your classroom, and every child was mortified of the possibility of having lice. 

for the longest time, though, i did have pinworms, and i never told anyone.  i treated myself for them in the way that seemed natural to me.  i wonder if it would have occured to me to tell my parents if i was not being raped by my stepfather.  also, i have these memories of my mother smelling my fingers a lot, and i always felt very self-conscious, naughty and dirty when she did this.  but to treat the pinworms, which i have come to learn are pretty much harmless, i resorted to long bathroom sessions where i would insert my finger into my anus and scoop them out until i had no more during that session.  this was a ritual that lasted for quite a while–it seemed like years, but i am not certain how long it was.  i would then wash my hands thoroughly, but apparently i kept getting more eggs in my system. 

apparently, the lifecycle of the pinworm is as follows:

The adult parasites live predominantly in the caecum. This illustration shows a transverse section of the adult parasite, in-situ in the intestine. The male and females mate, and the uteri of the females become filled with eggs. The gravid females (each containing up to 15 000 eggs) then migrate down the digestive tract to the anus. From here they make regular nocturnal migrations out of the anus, to the perianal region, where air contact stimulates them to lay their eggs, before retreating back into the rectum. Eventually the female die, their bodies disintegrating to release any remaining eggs. These eggs, which are clear and measure ~55 by 30µm, then mature to the infectious stage (containing an L1 larvae) over 4 to 6. To infect the host, typically these eggs must then be ingested, the eggs hatching in the duodenum.
The eggs themselves are sticky, and have a characteristic shape, shared with all members of the group Oxyuridea, with an asymettrical form, flattened on one side…

The larvae then undergo a series of moults, as they migrate down the digestive tract. The adult worms then mature in the caecum, before copulating to complete the cycle (typically 6 weeks). Occasionally the eggs hatch in the perianal region itself, the resulting L1 larvae being fully infective, crawling back through the anus, then migrating up the intestine to the caecum (retroinfection).

while i felt great shame and, combined with my sexual confusion, pinworms are quite common in children:

Pinworms are a type of intestinal nematode (a round worm) that live only in people. In the United States, they are the most common worm infection. ”Pinworms are quite prevalent,” says Robert Pond, M.D., physician with the Epidemic Intelligence Service at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta. ”Studies show that between 10 and 30 percent of children get them.”

eventually, they went away and never returned.  sometimes, i would “harvest” hundreds of them at a time, though.  i still feel dirty and ashamed of this, and would never tell this story to someone that i knew. 

pinworm lifecycle

RallyAgainstRape

•July 18, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Yesterday, I received my newsletter from Angela Shelton’s PAVE (Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment) site.  In part, it read:

“Come join me at noon tomorrow!
…There is a National Protest that you can easily be involved in.
Simply show up at your community County Courthouses at noon
tomorrow. Mine is the LA Area, Beverly Hills Courthouse.

07/17/07 – NOON – NATIONAL EMERGENCY ACTION!
Free Speech for Rape Survivors

CALL IT RAPE! Nationwide Protest

WHEN: Noon, Tuesday, July 17, 2007.

WHERE:  In front of your community County Courthouse

WHAT: A protest against silencing of rape victims in response
to an abominable ruling against rape survivors by a judge in
Lincoln, Nebraska.  The judge issued a court order banning
the victim, Tory Bowen, and prosecutors from using the words
“victim,” “assailant,” “rape,” “date rape drugs,” “sexual
assault kit,” and “sexual assault nurse examiner”

WHO: Protests will be held simultaneously across the country
organized by PAVE: Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment

-Protesters to bring scarves or folded bandanas over their mouths
to protest the silencing of rape victims and carrying signs bearing
the banned words listed above.
-Local organizer will read statement from PAVE with quotes from
silenced rape victim Tory Bowen
-Send photos to us to be included in a documentary

IT WAS FEATURED ON CNN NEWS FRIDAY- WE NEED YOU.
It’s not too late to create one in your community, just a few
people make a big difference!

…Have fun tomorrow and send pictures!

Peace and Love, Angela

The PAVE website provided a bit more information, including: 

Judge Bans “Rape” From Court – EMERGENCY ACTION, 07/17/07 NOON

SIGN THE PETITION

This Tuesday, July 17 at noon, nearly 40 cities across the country will be participating in a national protest dubbed “CALL IT RAPE!” The purpose of the protest is to rally against the silencing of rape victims in response to an abominable ruling against rape survivors by Judge Cheuvront in Lincoln, Nebraska. The Judge issued a Court Order banning the victim, Tory Bowen, and prosecutors from using the words “victim,” “assailant,” “rape,” “date rape drugs,” “sexual assault kit,” and “sexual assault nurse examiner.” The judge suggested calling the crime “sex.” A Lincoln protest and rally was organized by PAVE: Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment and was held on July 9 and July 11, 2007. On July 12, 2007 the Judge declared a mistrial, citing the protests as one of the reasons.Angela Rose, PAVE’s Executive Director said, “The irony of Judge Cheuvront’s order for the mistrial is that yet again he is trying to ban free speech. It was his unconstitutional ruling that led the people to the streets in protest in the first place. This is causing national outrage and we must be the voice for all who have been silenced by violence.” These protests will be held simultaneously across the country, and Rose is asking people from across the nation to show their support. Protesters are urged to congregate in front of their community County Courthouse at 12:00pm on Tuesday, July 17, 2007. Angela added, “We cannot stand idly by as our free speech is taken away from us and survivors of rape are re-victimized in the courtroom.” For a copy of the statement being read all over the country, email: RallyAgainstRape at yahoo.com…

I wish I had been aware of the protest sooner, since I doubt there was participation in my city, and perhaps I could have arranged something.  Then again, I’m not sure I’m ready for the possibility of the press identifying me as a survivor of rape or incest.  Additionally, my job requires that I encounter a lot of people from the community that surrounds the courthouse, and I already receive a lot of unwanted attention from the men I encounter on the job.  Specifically, I was semi-stalked for a while by one person who had been convicted of rape in the late 80’s and had been sentenced to 25 years.   So, at the current time, although I want to “come out” I feel safer “staying in”. 


 

therapy

•July 17, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Sigmund Freud Action Figure from FunRock’n.com

so i haven’t gone to see my psychologist for almost 2 months.  i got really busy with school and work, and now i have anxiety about continuing with my treatment.  i’m still on the 225 mg effexor (since november 2006), and there are no bad side effects from that.  still, it’s time to go back to therapy–i just don’t want to.

my main objective is to be able to find tools for working on my “intimacy issues” as far as my sex life with my husband (i’ll call him liam) goes, but in addition to that is the fact that i’ve avoided nearly every relationship i have with friends and family as much as possible. 

if i’d continued therapy all along, most likely i would not have ended up having sex with sadie’s boyfriend, kris.  or maybe it would not have mattered. 

i actually enjoy talking to my therapist.  she’s fairly dysfunctional herself, and has some good insights, however, having issues of not wanting to disappoint people, i can’t bring myself to get into the real dirt, since my intimacy issues with liam are not helped by the fact that i have a lot of guilt related to my various indiscretions with various other people.  for a long time, i tried to “restart” our relationship when we got married by cutting off ties to one particular man i had spent quite a bit of time with.  this fidelity lasted for about 2 years or so, i think.  i can’t really recall who i first cheated on liam with after we were married. 

so, i’ve mentioned to my therapist that i have cheated on liam, and she reacted in a way that suggested she wasn’t surprised, and she’s even brought it back up briefly a few times, but never in an accusatory way.  i’ve also told her that i tend to bend the truth since i do not want to look bad to those that i admire/those in a leadership role over me.  i wanted to alert her to not take my words seriously all the time.  that was the main problem with my first therapist a few years ago–i felt like she agreed with me too easily.  i wonder if this is a common feeling of other therapees (patients). 

i have lots of theories on “what is wrong with me”, so to have a therapist simply agree with my theories so easily isn’t terribly helpful to me in gaining new insights.  actually, what i think i need is behavioural reconditioning or tools for redirecting behaviour to use when i don’t really feel like altering the “inappropriate” behaviour.

enough

•July 13, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Plate 10,

 “Proverbs of Hell” Plate 10, The Marriage of Heaven & Hell

by William Blake; The William Blake Page

“You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.” –William Blake, Marriage of Heaven and Hell

By pure serendipity, I came across this Blake quote in the latest book I am going to attempt to read (The King of Methlehem by Mark Lindquist).  Although at this point my good friend I refer to in my prior post about the drunken mistake I made with her and her boyfriend (I’ll call her Sadie and her boyfiend I’ll call Kris) has seemed to digest the events a bit more and seems to see them as “the drunken mistake” rather than a planned tryst, I am still battling the sides of me who are also trying to categorize and bury that night.  There was a fine line between enough and too much, and we definitely crossed that line and then defiled it a bit as well. 

I am really disappointed in myself.  My progess as a survivor is so non-linear.  I feel like I exist in a labyrinth that continually shifts and changes so that logic and memory and experience cannot help me find my way out.  I know the way out…Icarus and Daedalus have given survivors that clue, but they’ve also warned us that even in freedom there is the danger of excess–perhaps ESPECIALLY in freedom there is the danger of excess.

intro of sorts

•July 12, 2007 • 1 Comment

so, for starters, I am naturally long-winded. Sorry–I talk a lot in my head.

 I hate how every story I have is so complicated. I’m going to try to simplify this one right now, and I suppose my motivation for posting, though not clear to me, is for a bit of acknowledgement that I’m not so very unique…

the basic basics are that I was about 7 or 8 when my father (much later revealed to me as being my STEP father) began raping me several times weekly for many years–maybe until I was about 14 or so, and then I think semi-regularly for a few more years after that, I believe until I was about 16 or so.

Every year of my life (i am now 32), that part of my life gets cloudier and cloudier as far as ages go, but images in my head and memories in my body don’t seem to fade much. I’m married, have been for 10 years.

I’ve had a number of self-destructive indiscriminate sexual experiences over the years, and yes, that includes the fact that this means I’ve cheated on my husband. Usually, alcohol is involved. I managed to put myself in a situation where I was raped one evening, being the total genius that I am. For about 3 or 4 years, I’ve managed to keep myself out of situations where I have come to know I am vulnerable to this type of behavior.

But now I’ve messed up, badly. I let myself become part of a drunken night spent with a friend and her boyfriend–which seemed fine and relatively “safe” early on, but after much time and many drinks they began to mess with each other’s heads and somehow I became involved in some sexual play that ended up with my friend (who is also a survivor, and is prone to self-destructive behavior) giving her boyfriend permission to have sex with me—a question he initiated, and a decision I really don’t know if I had much of a part of–I can’t remember.

I recall them discussing something, and I lost track of things and I remember laying there and trying to figure out why my friend had left the area and why her glasses were still there. She also does not remember very much, and now everything is confusing. I know I should have never allowed myself to get into the situation in the first place because of my past history, and I know I could have found some way to get out, but I didn’t want to disappoint anyone, including the fact that I thought, at the time, that she wanted me to do it…

Honestly, at that point, I felt more like an observer to the entire thing. Now, she is angry she let herself be in the situation, angry at her boyfriend for initiating everything, angry and distrustful of me (although she admits on some level she knows she and I are similar in our disassociative nature). I will not put myself in this situation with her again, but more than anything I am afraid she won’t be able to fully trust me (and hell, I can’t trust myself—but that’s not entirely the point).

I want to maintain a friendship with her– I just don’t know if this is going to happen, and given that I have a hard time making friends in the first place–especially those that I can speak candidly about my childhood, I really want to be able to get past this. Intellectually, I think she can get through this, but the fact that her very good friend has had sex with her boyfriend is a bit much emotionally for her—I HATE THIS.

It was not about him at all–I have major boundary issues, and wanted to make her happy and being trashed, I thought I was doing just that (I REALLY HATE how this sounds running through a sober mind and through sober fingers.) Even more, I can’t believe I’ve let myself put my marriage in danger again–I haven’t even begun to explore this in my mind, as everything is still so surreal, as this only happened 3 days ago, and I can’t grasp it very well yet. I don’t really want to grasp it.

Everytime my husband leaves for work, I think about how much he’d hurt if he found the degree to which I’m damaged and keep damaging myself. It’s easier to focus on my potential loss of a friendship and pretend that my being a cheating wife is something happening to a whole separate part of myself.