All About Scabs by Genichiro Yagyu and Amanda Mayer Stinchecum

Dermatillomania.

That’s one label for it. I imagine that I am healing myself by allowing the skin under my scabs to breathe.  Also, I can’t leave my cuticles alone, and I always have torn skin around them.  This has gone on for as long as I can remember.  While I do feel pain sometimes, I feel more of a type of satisfaction from this pick-pick-pick-pick-picking.

Regina, my mother, used to compulsively twirl her hair and then pull it and break it off (trichotillomania), and while I don’t recall her picking on her own scabs, she used to examine my ears very carefully, and squeeze any pores that looked like teeny little blackheads when I was quite young.  She would do this often, and as I recall it, this was just about the closest contact I would get from her, as she did not hug or kiss or hold me or my siblings once we were able to walk.

I’ve been tempted to cut myself only lately.  I never really considered it in the past, but, even knowing what I do about the dangers of becoming addicted to cutting, etc., something inside me wants to do it anyhow. How pitiful.  I’m totally reverting to being a confused pre-adolescent.  I’ve heard the claim that cutting makes people feel more real–like they can’t feel anything except pain, and at least that is something.  The worst pains I’ve felt in my recent memory have to do with my sexual organs: I have killer cramps every other month or so; and several years ago, I had a miscarriage that lasted for several hours, and I think this was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to experience on a physical level. 

Skin pearls:  This is the name I gave the hard white core that comes out of a zit that has come to a “head”.  They are a prize of sorts.

Around my nipple piercings, I often get a little crustiness that washes away when I shower (from lymph fluids).  I enjoy cleaning this with my fingers, though, which probably makes it worse since I don’t consistently wash my hands first.

My hands and fingers just do what they want to.