Image found at the Decadent Grace Blog

 Recently, the Sadly Normal blog featured an article published by the Sidran Institute entitled “Dental Tips for Survivors.”  This article explores the connection between childhood sexual abuse and anxiety associated with dental visits.  According to the article, parallels between dental visits and the experience of childhood abuse include:

1. Being alone with a the dentist, who is often a male, in a situation where this person is more powerful than oneself;
2. The experience of being made to remain in a submissive, horizontal position;
3. Being touched (with no say in how or when or how);
4. Having foreign objects put into one’s mouth;
5. Being unable to swallow; and
6. Anticipating pain or actually experiencing pain.

I totally get this.  I despise going to the dentist.  When I was about 11 and had only 1 baby tooth left, my dentist pulled it without telling me what was going on.  I felt like he took the last part of me that was physically a child (since my virginity had already been ripped out of me).  The horizontal position with someone hovering and shoving things into my mouth in a painful manner does affect me.  I often zone out during dental visits, practicing my ability to be “out of body” in order to stay calm and withstand the experience.  On top of that, there are so many strong smells, and this can set me off at times.  Especially when paired with having my mouth violated–even if it is “legally” and by my own pre-decision. 

I suppose it goes without saying that survivors that have issues with the dentist probably have issues with the gynecologist.  I haven’t had my yearly since 2001 when I miscarried.  Now that I’m moving in on my 33rd birthday, I’m going to really have to suck it up and go. 

Or do I?
 

Image from the Fragmented Mind Website

“Distinguishing Between Depersonalization and Derealization
I suffer from both DP and DR. Others describe suffering from one or the other or with some fluctuation between the two. In simplest terms the difference between DP and DR are as follows:

Depersonalization – A distortion in how one’s own body and Self feel.

Derealization – A distortion in how the external world is perceived.” http://www.dreamchild.net/cacmydp.html

“Brain Abnormalities Common in Survivors of Childhood Abuse
Martin H. Teicher, M.D., McLean Hospital, Belmont, Massachusetts
Cerebrum 2000;2:50-67.
“‘Early abuse molds the brain to be more irritable, impulsive, suspicious, and prone to be swamped by fight-or-flight reactions that the rational mind may be unable to control….To a brain so tuned, Eden itself would seem to hold its share of dangers.’”   http://www.dreamchild.net/cactheory.html

∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞

Shit.  Oprah. 

While I’ve not watched her show for probably 5 years, and even then it was quite rare, she did say something to the effect of “You have to name it to claim it”.

So, I’m always looking for ways to name “it”.  “It” keeps me from having a healthy relationship from just about everyone.

Recently, I “came out” to my sister, Rayanne, about the fact that, although I was able to maintain “normalcy” on an outer level, I’m in the process of losing something, and trying to figure out what “it” is.  I texted her (since that is the best way to get through to her currently) the following:

my brain

my condition is not just “in my head”–it is part of me that i cant simply shake off. i have chronic complex PTSD w delayed onset, exhibiting symptoms including depression, disassociative tendencies, fear of rejection, being easily startled, destructive behaviours, flashbacks, involuntary reaction to real or perceived stimuli, emotional numbing, avoidance, among other things.  The PTSD has chemical, behavioural, psychological, conditioned, and subconscious roots. it’s onset was gradual and i sensed it for a long time, but i was in denial about the symptoms i’ve been having for years.  PTSD causes actual neurobiological changes in the brain.  

This was after several other texts back and forth, and all of these arose out of a fight I started about the fact that I felt isolated and rejected (because of a number of reasons, which I won’t get into now).  Bottom line, I was drunk and tired of her dismissing me.  The next morning, after much drama, of course, I had texted this message:

stats

I’m sober. A few stats. 1 = #times [regina/my mother] tried to apologize for exploiting me. 1800= #times [dennis/my stepfather] fucked me. 400= #times [dennis] molested me while u were in the same room +/or bed. YES I’M BITTER AND A BIT CRAZY BUT I DO LUV U. 4015= #nights i listened to make sure you were safe from him.

So, earlier today, I came across a new term.  I’ve labeled myself as experiencing depersonalization and dissociation,  but DEREALIZATION has given me a whole new perspective.  I am in a chronic and nearly permanent state of derealization, and have been for quite some time now.  To some degree, I’ve been this way for probably 25 years.

I feel like as long as I contemplate my state, I can’t fall into craziness, since to be mad you don’t realize you are mad.  So, instead, I feel like I am egocentric in order to keep as sane as possible.