Image from the Fragmented Mind Website

“Distinguishing Between Depersonalization and Derealization
I suffer from both DP and DR. Others describe suffering from one or the other or with some fluctuation between the two. In simplest terms the difference between DP and DR are as follows:

Depersonalization – A distortion in how one’s own body and Self feel.

Derealization – A distortion in how the external world is perceived.” http://www.dreamchild.net/cacmydp.html

“Brain Abnormalities Common in Survivors of Childhood Abuse
Martin H. Teicher, M.D., McLean Hospital, Belmont, Massachusetts
Cerebrum 2000;2:50-67.
“‘Early abuse molds the brain to be more irritable, impulsive, suspicious, and prone to be swamped by fight-or-flight reactions that the rational mind may be unable to control….To a brain so tuned, Eden itself would seem to hold its share of dangers.’”   http://www.dreamchild.net/cactheory.html

∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞

Shit.  Oprah. 

While I’ve not watched her show for probably 5 years, and even then it was quite rare, she did say something to the effect of “You have to name it to claim it”.

So, I’m always looking for ways to name “it”.  “It” keeps me from having a healthy relationship from just about everyone.

Recently, I “came out” to my sister, Rayanne, about the fact that, although I was able to maintain “normalcy” on an outer level, I’m in the process of losing something, and trying to figure out what “it” is.  I texted her (since that is the best way to get through to her currently) the following:

my brain

my condition is not just “in my head”–it is part of me that i cant simply shake off. i have chronic complex PTSD w delayed onset, exhibiting symptoms including depression, disassociative tendencies, fear of rejection, being easily startled, destructive behaviours, flashbacks, involuntary reaction to real or perceived stimuli, emotional numbing, avoidance, among other things.  The PTSD has chemical, behavioural, psychological, conditioned, and subconscious roots. it’s onset was gradual and i sensed it for a long time, but i was in denial about the symptoms i’ve been having for years.  PTSD causes actual neurobiological changes in the brain.  

This was after several other texts back and forth, and all of these arose out of a fight I started about the fact that I felt isolated and rejected (because of a number of reasons, which I won’t get into now).  Bottom line, I was drunk and tired of her dismissing me.  The next morning, after much drama, of course, I had texted this message:

stats

I’m sober. A few stats. 1 = #times [regina/my mother] tried to apologize for exploiting me. 1800= #times [dennis/my stepfather] fucked me. 400= #times [dennis] molested me while u were in the same room +/or bed. YES I’M BITTER AND A BIT CRAZY BUT I DO LUV U. 4015= #nights i listened to make sure you were safe from him.

So, earlier today, I came across a new term.  I’ve labeled myself as experiencing depersonalization and dissociation,  but DEREALIZATION has given me a whole new perspective.  I am in a chronic and nearly permanent state of derealization, and have been for quite some time now.  To some degree, I’ve been this way for probably 25 years.

I feel like as long as I contemplate my state, I can’t fall into craziness, since to be mad you don’t realize you are mad.  So, instead, I feel like I am egocentric in order to keep as sane as possible.

so i never got the dreaded lice.  i’m sure everyone can remember elementary school days where the school nurse used wooden picks to examine the heads of the children in your classroom, and every child was mortified of the possibility of having lice. 

for the longest time, though, i did have pinworms, and i never told anyone.  i treated myself for them in the way that seemed natural to me.  i wonder if it would have occured to me to tell my parents if i was not being raped by my stepfather.  also, i have these memories of my mother smelling my fingers a lot, and i always felt very self-conscious, naughty and dirty when she did this.  but to treat the pinworms, which i have come to learn are pretty much harmless, i resorted to long bathroom sessions where i would insert my finger into my anus and scoop them out until i had no more during that session.  this was a ritual that lasted for quite a while–it seemed like years, but i am not certain how long it was.  i would then wash my hands thoroughly, but apparently i kept getting more eggs in my system. 

apparently, the lifecycle of the pinworm is as follows:

The adult parasites live predominantly in the caecum. This illustration shows a transverse section of the adult parasite, in-situ in the intestine. The male and females mate, and the uteri of the females become filled with eggs. The gravid females (each containing up to 15 000 eggs) then migrate down the digestive tract to the anus. From here they make regular nocturnal migrations out of the anus, to the perianal region, where air contact stimulates them to lay their eggs, before retreating back into the rectum. Eventually the female die, their bodies disintegrating to release any remaining eggs. These eggs, which are clear and measure ~55 by 30µm, then mature to the infectious stage (containing an L1 larvae) over 4 to 6. To infect the host, typically these eggs must then be ingested, the eggs hatching in the duodenum.
The eggs themselves are sticky, and have a characteristic shape, shared with all members of the group Oxyuridea, with an asymettrical form, flattened on one side…

The larvae then undergo a series of moults, as they migrate down the digestive tract. The adult worms then mature in the caecum, before copulating to complete the cycle (typically 6 weeks). Occasionally the eggs hatch in the perianal region itself, the resulting L1 larvae being fully infective, crawling back through the anus, then migrating up the intestine to the caecum (retroinfection).

while i felt great shame and, combined with my sexual confusion, pinworms are quite common in children:

Pinworms are a type of intestinal nematode (a round worm) that live only in people. In the United States, they are the most common worm infection. ”Pinworms are quite prevalent,” says Robert Pond, M.D., physician with the Epidemic Intelligence Service at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta. ”Studies show that between 10 and 30 percent of children get them.”

eventually, they went away and never returned.  sometimes, i would “harvest” hundreds of them at a time, though.  i still feel dirty and ashamed of this, and would never tell this story to someone that i knew.