Sigmund Freud Action Figure from FunRock’n.com

so i haven’t gone to see my psychologist for almost 2 months.  i got really busy with school and work, and now i have anxiety about continuing with my treatment.  i’m still on the 225 mg effexor (since november 2006), and there are no bad side effects from that.  still, it’s time to go back to therapy–i just don’t want to.

my main objective is to be able to find tools for working on my “intimacy issues” as far as my sex life with my husband (i’ll call him liam) goes, but in addition to that is the fact that i’ve avoided nearly every relationship i have with friends and family as much as possible. 

if i’d continued therapy all along, most likely i would not have ended up having sex with sadie’s boyfriend, kris.  or maybe it would not have mattered. 

i actually enjoy talking to my therapist.  she’s fairly dysfunctional herself, and has some good insights, however, having issues of not wanting to disappoint people, i can’t bring myself to get into the real dirt, since my intimacy issues with liam are not helped by the fact that i have a lot of guilt related to my various indiscretions with various other people.  for a long time, i tried to “restart” our relationship when we got married by cutting off ties to one particular man i had spent quite a bit of time with.  this fidelity lasted for about 2 years or so, i think.  i can’t really recall who i first cheated on liam with after we were married. 

so, i’ve mentioned to my therapist that i have cheated on liam, and she reacted in a way that suggested she wasn’t surprised, and she’s even brought it back up briefly a few times, but never in an accusatory way.  i’ve also told her that i tend to bend the truth since i do not want to look bad to those that i admire/those in a leadership role over me.  i wanted to alert her to not take my words seriously all the time.  that was the main problem with my first therapist a few years ago–i felt like she agreed with me too easily.  i wonder if this is a common feeling of other therapees (patients). 

i have lots of theories on “what is wrong with me”, so to have a therapist simply agree with my theories so easily isn’t terribly helpful to me in gaining new insights.  actually, what i think i need is behavioural reconditioning or tools for redirecting behaviour to use when i don’t really feel like altering the “inappropriate” behaviour.