Distance

 ”Guilt” by Lunea Weatherstone 

There are several phone calls I’ve been avoiding–or not really avoiding, just blocking them out except for when I have those brief moments of guilt and dread.  The guilt is pretty self-explanatory.  But, the dread comes from the fact that I have come to understand that much of what keeps me operating on a daily basis arises out making decisions to act on things or not act on things based upon whether the consequence of not acting is greater/more of a pain in the ass than what it would be to act on them more immediately.  In other words, very little real emotion is there besides guilt and dread.

Now that I’ve been basking in my “whatever” for the past year (that is, I’ve been letting myself do what is more natural and that means often I would rather NOT ACT on things), I’ve built up a bank of consequences that I will need to deal with at some point (or will I?? I suppose I could continue to NOT act…)

But guilt has been whispering to me.

So, I’ll be going a vacation for about 2 weeks, and the physical distance may give me the door to acting out on the several phone calls I’ve been not making for nearly a year now.  But is guilt a sufficient reason to do so?  The emotional distance feels right; or should I say it doesn’t feel wrong?  Nina, Tisha, Karen, Kristen, Stephen, Peaches…(are there more?)…

Which distance will win over the guilt, I wonder…

~ by silvernightchild on July 31, 2007.